Just so you know, getting cancellation is the new getting picked up. If your show's on the air, put the big L on your forehead but if your show is over or better yet, cancelled after being critically acclaimed, you are golden. I guess that's what one of the winners meant when he was talking about the golden age of television. Being an out of work genius is so hot. What else happened on the 58th Annual Emmys, you ask? Conan, funny presenters, awful dresses and some of best plastic surgery we've seen. Since you'll be catching up on most of it through the resource that is US Weekly, we thought we'd hand out a few awards of our own to celebrate the witty, wacky and worthless moments that wasted four hours (pre-show!) of our lives. Good times.
Conan:
Mali: I liked his self-deprecating "I know this is stupid" approach but thought the Bob Newhart thing was milked too long and the opening Lost sequence was in poor taste - right before 9/11 and on the day of the Kentucky crash. Good host, bad hair.
Karen: Oh my god, his hair was awful. I know the hat in the musical bit was a joke, but it really worked on him. I thought the Lost bit was funny. How were they to know there would be a crash in Kentucky that day? Am I heartless?
Todd: I have to admit, missed the first hour and sped through much of the remainder. Conan seemed decent from what I could tell, which wasn't a lot. Is it me or did they purposefully avoid putting him in the same frame with anyone else so he wouldn't tower over them?
Best lines/bits:
K: All the beginning bits. Especially Tom Cruise not coming out of the closet. As far as a presenter, I didn't think Conan was that good. He seemed really nervous in his monologue.
M: I loved Conan's acceptance speech rules especially the one about the statue being heavy: "Of course it's heavy. It's filled with the shattered dreams of four other people." Classic.
Kareem Abdul Jabar high-fiving the accountants was hysterical. In the pre-show, Piven said that he's the only straight man who takes his mother to the Emmys. I also liked Matthew Perry's "I despise the success of others." And how great were the camera pans from Candy to Tori Spelling? And the dueling handkerchiefs were priceless - sniff, wipe, sniff, wipe. Poor Randy looked like he was in pain and Tori's man looked like he was counting Benjamins in his head.
K: Oh yeah, I loved Matthew Perry's line too. Except perhaps they should have made it more obvious that they were aping their Studio 60 characters? I didn't understand the Kareem A-J joke. Of course, I was deep into InStyle Magazine at that point. (A sure sign that an awards show has reached the half way mark.)
M: That's true, if people didn't see the pilot they'd think it was just lame delivery, which it was. Also, Bradley, that hair color is not fooling anyone.
Best Presenters:
K: Uh...maybe Hugh Laurie and Helen Mirren. I don't know why Hugh was doing that (I kept wracking my brain, "Is there a Best Foreign TV Show category?") but damn, it was funny. I'm a little bit in love with Hugh. I think one of the disappointing presenters were Evangeline Lilly and Wentworth Miller. Hey Went, did you leave your personality back in Fox River?
T: The Hugh Laurie/Helen Mirren thing was great. I agree, the French for no apparent reason was strange, but when she looked over at him as she said "winnowed" it was a laugh out loud moment. Can we get the writers of that bit to write for TV in America please?
M: Yeah, Laurie's French was great. People forget how multi-faceted he is if they judge him on House alone. I'm glad he took the moment to remind people that he's funny - also in the great opening bit. I loved Stewart & Colbert's "bow to your golden idol" and "I lost to Copacabana!" Tina Fey and "Tracy Morgan, homeowner" were a great live promo for their show.
K: Can we talk about how beautiful Jaclyn Smith is? I wanna look like that when I'm 50, or however old she is.
T: Yeah, Jaclyn Smith is still smokin' and I just learned she's the oldest of the three at 61. Yowza. And how uncomfortable was that at first? As Kate was speaking, it almost seemed like she was trying to separate Farrah and Jaclyn, like they'd gotten in a fight backstage. But I guess Farrah's "I hate you, bitch" face was actually just "I'm sad." Cuz then the other two spoke and all seemed well "I love youuuuuu!" and the speeches were really eloquent and without incident and turned out to be one of the better moments of the night.
M: I kept waiting for a catfight between Joan and Heather or one of the Angels. The entire oeuvre of the bitchslap was invented and perfected by Spelling. Respect the legacy.
Best Dressed:
T: Evangeline Lilly. 'Nough said.
K: Well, that's a toughie. No one really stood out. I thought there were a lot of people who looked decent, but no one who looked Wow. I guess my favorite would be Kelly MacDonald. The 20's thing is a little last year, but I liked it. Did you guys notice that no one's dress seemed to fit? And couldn't Piven have combed his plugs?
M: No one stood out because they all sucked. I thought Lisa Kudrow and Megan Mullally looked elegant but it wasn't hard to do on this night. Sadly, the men looked better than the women although I could have done without Piven's ascot and yes, the ruffled plugs. You've got Gold!
K: Megan M wears the same thing every year.
M: But at least she knows what looks good on her unlike Virgina Madsen who was in danger of capsizing. I didn't know they made industrial strength double stick tape.
T: Oh yeah, Virginia Madsen. Forget all that stuff I said about Evangeline Lilly. The pause button is your friend. Just kidding (sort of.)
Worst Dressed:
K: Hands down Candice Bergen. Yikes.
M: The list is endless: Sandra Oh's overaccessorizing, Kyra Sedgwick's runaway gray wedding dress, Ellen Pompeo's velvet purple pain, Mariska Hartigay's misguided attempt at hiding post-pregnancy weight (although her husband made a hot accessory), Debra Messing's 80's prom dress and Eva Longoria who must have stepped in a vat of self-tanner and then wrapped herself in a tarp. God, people, if the designers on Project Runway can make a shower curtain look gorgeous, how do you manage to choose the worst designed clothes ever?
T: Good call with Candice Bergen but the WTF award definitely goes to Eva Longoria. Once upon a time she was one of the most beautiful women on TV. Wha- happened?
K: I swear Kyra's worn that dress before. Fashion Police!
M: When I saw her, I said, not another one of those dresses.
A new but extremely competitive category, Best New Face:
K: Okay, if Jaclyn Smith has had work done, she looks amazing. And if her dress was from the Jaclyn Smith Collection at KMart, I'm going shopping there tonight. I thought it was beautiful and very age appropriate.
M: "If" she had work done? Jaclyn Smith has clearly made a deal with the devil. And has the best plastic surgeon in the universe.
Worst Work Done:
K: BARRY MANILOW. Oh. My. God.
M: Barry was spackled nicely but I have to split my vote between Calista's overly tightened face (she's only 42!) and Ray Liotta's blank new mask. It's like he's Goodfellas' Henry Hill, post-Witness Protection Program. Stockard Channing is a hall of famer too.
T: I've gotten used to Barry's new face from his various reality appearances so I've gotta go with Ray. Dude, you don't look like you! What the hell did you do!? And on the women's side, it's gotta be Farrah. Yikes.
K: Sadly, there isn't that much to make fun of this year. Can't we think of anything? There must be something.
M: I was hopefully for some meltdowns to match the weather. The only awkward moment was Nancy O'Dell (who's always such a pro) asking Jon Voight about Angelina. Ouch. Also, what's with bringing your goddaughter? Niece or mom is fine if you're gay but goddaughter just screams child molester. Oh, hello, James Woods.
This year's Emmys came in at a solid 5.5 on the awards show scale, which is respectable showing considering that many of the nominated shows were off the air (unemployment is sexy), there was an underwhelming big name presence and well, you know, it's the Emmys. Self-congratulatory, preening and smug but how could we start the fall season without them?
