American Idol Launches Cowell's Busy Calendar
A New Year Restores Simon Cowell's Prime Time Tyranny
Since the Sumerians first civilised the planet some six thousand years ago, mankind has used many different techniques to keep track of the sands of time. There have been lunar cycles, solar cycles, Julian calendars, Gregorian calendars – residents of Salisbury in South West England regularly drive past the monolithic Celtic time-keeping device that is Stonehenge.
These days, of course, our methods are slightly more sophisticated than rocks and shadows. If modern man either side of the Atlantic needs to monitor the passing seasons they simply need to glance at the relative geographical ubiquity of Mr. Simon Cowell to get a pretty good idea of the month.
American Idol
For instance today, January 13th 2009, sees the start of a new series of American Idol, home to Simon Cowell’s stateside throne. It is a show that has seen him exponentially increase his global profile and landed him guest spots on The Simpsons and Family Guy. It is also one of America’s most watched programmes, last year earning viewing figures in excess of 31 million.
From today’s inauguration the ‘audition’ phase of the show will count down the remaining winter months, with the live performances expected as Spring starts to blossom. Unlike the hapless Jesus this year’s winner can expect a fortuitous Easter with a six figure record deal awaiting them over Passiontide.
Britain’s Got Talent
With leftover eggs still discounted on the shelves Simon is expected back in the UK to sit in judgement on the vaudeville contest, Britain’s Got Talent. This, the shortest season of the year, ticks off the remainder of spring and runs up until almost Mid-Summer’s Day.
Leaving the winner’s fame to cool rapidly, Mr Cowell then enters a brief period of hiatus. This allows the television schedules time to regenerate over the warm month of July and the tabloid newspapers to focus their attention on the latest Big Brother debacle.
X Factor
As the scorching sun reaches its late summer zenith Simon Cowell is back on the nation’s screens once again. For four months the X Factor will whittle down the UK’s least hopeless singers in a bid to find someone who sounds remarkably like last year’s winner. During this time 12.8 million viewers – or nearly a quarter of the population – will tune in every week to monitor autumn’s progress.
At the end of this run, with days becoming shorter and colder, a victor will be announced. That person, under the watchful eye of Cowell’s Sony BMG subsidiary, Syco TV, will launch their assault on the Christmas music chart and so draw another year to a close.
Nepotism
From his humble beginnings as the son of an EMI music executive and a London socialite, 49-year-old Simon Cowell is currently one of television’s most widely recognised and highly paid personalities. It is therefore not without some reverence that audiences should thank him for the chronological services his ubiquity provides.
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